My Extreme Makeover

The Larissa Monologues got a new look! *thunderous applause*

The new design was essentially a birthday present to myself, and I'm so thrilled with it. The colors, the header, the buttons...I just want to stare at it all day long and revel in its beauty.

Everything was designed by the fabulously talented Jess (The Tattooed Mama) at Cuppycake Designs. She is wonderful to work with - she's professional, patient, and has a high value for creating a unique blog design that fits her clients' desires. Go check her out right now!

Black is the New Mac

Hey, friends. I'm feeling a thousand billion times better. Thanks for all the well wishes and birthday love!

And I have a new toy. Well, we have a new toy. I think when you get married you're supposed to like, share stuff or something. In fact, I generously shared my flu with Steve just this past week. I'm the best wife ever.

Anyway, we purchased a hot little black Macbook today (because we're rabid Apple fans), and I've been playing with it all evening. Here's where I'd give you all the specs, but I don't know what the specs are. All I know is "Look, so pretty!"

iWant You, iPhone

You need to know something about me.

I don't usually get caught up by flashy things. I like simplicity in life, especially when it comes to stuff. The car that I drove post-college was a 1986 Honda Accord, a faithful car until it reached its end when it broke down on the 110 freeway in downtown LA. Most of my clothes are thrift store discoveries, like the puffer vest I found last week at Goodwill for three dollars. Three dollars. The computer I use was produced in the Mesozoic Era. Just the thought of making any major purchase that seems less than practical causes me to cringe.

Until this weekend.

While on a date with Steve at the Grove, he suggested we walk through the Apple Store. Like any supportive and loving wife, I rolled my eyes, sighed, and said okay, consciously willing myself not to launch into my usual tirade about how the Apple Store is just a place for all the snotty, Hummer-driving yuppies to gather and waste money on technology that is going to ruin their souls.

So in we went. Steve immediately made his way to the new iPod nano. I figured I may as well find something interesting to do, so I meandered over to the counter with the iPhones. Now like anyone remotely in touch with civilization, I have seen the hip commercials and heard the rave reviews about the iPhone. However, I have just scoffed, thinking, "Nothing could possibly inspire me to pay that much for a freakin' phone."

Boy was I wrong. This thing is AMAZING. It's sleek, it's beautiful, and pretty much does anything you could possibly want. It's a phone, iPod, and internet device, all rolled into one. I swear, it probably does your laundry and feeds the dog. And now I want one so bad! My current cell phone seems so lame now...I mean, if it can't play YouTube videos, then what good is that?!

Please have pity on me and my sad normal phone. Doesn't the holiday season invoke the spirit of generosity in you???

Beware of Spam

...the emails, not the meat. The meat is fantastic. Try it fried with eggs.

Somehow, my email address has been obtained by spammers. I'm generally pretty careful about my personal information, so I'm not sure how this happened. But in the last two months I have received a few hundred emails that have filled up my spam inbox with ridiculous messages. Every once in a while, I'll read one just for kicks...they're pretty entertaining when you get over how horrible these people are. Here's my favorite (unedited):

Dear Friend,

My name is Mr.Beston Wood , 45 years old from Bromley Kent ,London.Head Financial Control & Planning department, Skye Bank Plc.I am divorced, have 3 kids living with me at home. I'm 5'11 tall. black. I love animals. I have 2 dogs and 3 cats. I love to travel. I love the outdoors,swimming, riding, skeet shooting, etc..I have a healthy and active social life.

I have been the head of Accounts department in my bank head office, but last September, I was asked to take position of the Head, Financial Control & Planning department of our branch in London , so that was how I became the present Head Head Financial Control & Planning department .By virtue of my position as the Head, Financial Control & Planning department, I write to seek your assistance in a profiting offer.

In order to proceed, I require your full names, contact address,occupation and telephone/fax numbers so we can go over the details of this profiting offer which when its starts to unfold you will have course to smile. Kindly reply this mail as soon as possible to indicate your willingness and interest. I await your urgent response. Thank you.

Yours sincerely,
Bruce Joel.

I'm not making this up. "When it starts to unfold you will have course to smile." Why thank you, Mr. Bruce Joel (who actually introduces himself as Beston Wood in the email). Thank you for giving me the opportunity to go into a profitable business in London so that I will have course to smile. All I have to do is send you my personal information??? Well you sound like a nice guy, so sure. Who doesn't like a 5'11, black, animal loving, skeet shooting man. Is this a personal ad or a business proposition?

No, spammers. I do not want to go into a lucrative business with you. I don't care that I won your lottery. I don't need any Viagra. I am not going to wire funds into your account. And no, I do NOT want to look at any of the racy pictures that you sent. You'll have to find someone with a little less common sense, thank you.

I Own a Domain Name

Yep, I am now a proud property owner.

A few nights ago I was giving The Larissa Monologues a bit of a manicure (she needs one now and then, if only to be pampered a little and feel good about herself). I began thinking about how much I love this blogging thing. It's been a fun way to connect with others in the blogosphere, and a good outlet for my own ideas and goings on. I then started entertaining the idea of investing in a better domain name for it. Having a URL that included "dot blogspot" was beginning to get on my nerves. Long story short, I went and purchased www.larissalmarks.com from Go Daddy. So there it is...simple, straightforward, and personal, just like The Larissa Monologues. I have caught up to the rest of the civilized world!

Please Be My Friend and Buy Me Presents

Is everyone on Facebook by now? If not, you're living in a hole. Seriously, folks...Myspace out, Facebook in. Get with it.

My favorite part about Facebook, aside from the fact that you can lurk around and see what your friends are up to without even asking them, is the Gift Shop. Yes, Facebook has a store where you can purchase gifts (i.e. thumbnail sized graphics) to give (i.e. post online) to friends (i.e. those people who went to junior high with you ten years ago) over Facebook. For the great price of $1, you can buy that cute girl you like anything from a teddy bear, to a bowl of vegetable soup, to a pair of handcuffs. And the best part is that each item is a limited edition. That way, you can say, "Baby, I love you so much, I spent $1 on a one-out-of-a-hundred-thousand limited edition (insert item)!" Awesome.

Here are a few of my favorite gifts that Facebook offers:

• sock hanging on a doorknob
• Whoopee Cushion
• gingerbread man voodoo doll
• vomit
• dashboard hula girl
• chihuahua in a pink handbag
• "Kick Me" sign
• Cosmopolitan
• can of Whoop Ass